I’m sitting in a waiting room full of people with cancer….and the loved ones here to support them. Some are smiling and talking as if their lives have not been altered by the “c” word. A few sit solemnly cautiously watching the others, or jumping when the nurse from the lab comes to call yet another name. There is coffee and couches and a t.v. set on some channel with a talk show, all to make these victims of this ugly monster called cancer feel more comfortable. Lynn is in a room waiting for the radioactive chemical they’ve given him to circulate throughout his body so they can then use their big fancy machine to scan for any other areas this cancer may be lurking. I can’t be in there with him this time because he is radioactive and I can’t be exposed…..how can that be good for you to be shot up like that with such a chemical?
Life is no longer normal. At least not the normal we’ve enjoyed for so long…not the normal we took for granted. This is the new normal. Every thought, every moment is controlled by this new monster in our life. Before May I knew nothing of words like Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma,Follicular Lymphoma or phrases like Double Hit. I didn’t know this process of evaluation, testing, biopsies,results and treatment plans took so long. It’s not like the medical shows on tv where the doctors are super concerned and jump through hoops to save their patients. I look around the room and realize the reality of how many people are being attacked by this monster.
I am doing my best to be strong, to be positive, to be encouraging. I declare often each day riding in the car, standing in the kitchen or looking in the mirror “I trust you, God”. And I do. Maybe I am convincing myself that I can and will accept whatever that means for us. Why would my determination to be a spiritual rock in all this exempt us from the possibilities. Do I really trust Him? Or am I hoping He is impressed with my faithfulness and does a miracle in my precious husband’s body and kills this cancer and allows us to grow old together? I’ve trusted Him with everything so far…..with the difficulties, finances, my girls, my life, my pain, my calling…..why wouldn’t I trust Him now. I do trust God, and I trust His will, whatever that looks like. He is my refuge. He is my strength. Psalm 46 says “God is our refuge and strength, a very sufficient help in troubles. Therefore we will not fear…”. Fears. I am working hard to hold them back and not listen to the lies satan is throwing at me.
Joshua 1:9 tells me “Be strong and courageous, do not be dismayed, do not be discouraged, for the Lord is with you wherever you go”. We can do this. And whatever happens, whatever the doctor from MD Anderson tells us when he reads the pathology report, whatever they find in this PetScan, whatever tomorrow, next week or next month holds WE WILL TRUST GOD.
For those of you reading this, thank you for following along on this journey with us….and whatever is going on in your life right now, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell yourself and anyone listening “I trust you God” and know He is with you wherever you go. He promises that, and He keeps His promises.