I Will Survive

This has been the hardest season of my life. I thought losing baby after baby was the hardest season of inner turmoil, but I was wrong. This, this has been it. I sit here with my throat constricting, fighting back the flow of tears that threaten to break through. Strangely, I can’t say exactly why my emotions are so chaotic. I feel like I stood strong through storm after storm this year. I continually lifted my eyes to Jesus for strength. But this surgery has taken me down. Not to sound melodramatic, but I had no idea it would affect me so. Fears have tormented me in my dreams. Frustration has closed in and reminded me of old self-condemning thoughts that rise like great dark shadows around me. My expectations of post surgery were a little far fetched and my doubts of timing have nagged at me. Fear of not getting back to normal and fears of a physical therapist who resembles Hitler have filled me with dread. i know you’re probably reading this and rolling your eyes at my rambling, but the struggle is real. The constant pain is real. My sweet husband is dealing with chemo and cancer and I’m over here whining about knee surgery! How pathetic! And yet, I still hold out for a fresh touch from the Lord, reminding me who I am in Him. Reminding me that He is with me. Reminding me He is in control. Reminding me to rest in Him. Reminding me to stop thinking so much and to just breathe in and breathe out. To sit. To sleep. To enjoy time with Lynn. To accept the help of friends who love me and want to help. So I’ll hold tight to His hand with everything that is in me. I’ll make it….I think.