This has been the hardest season of my life. I thought losing baby after baby was the hardest season of inner turmoil, but I was wrong. This, this has been it. I sit here with my throat constricting, fighting back the flow of tears that threaten to break through. Strangely, I can’t say exactly why my emotions are so chaotic. I feel like I stood strong through storm after storm this year. I continually lifted my eyes to Jesus for strength. But this surgery has taken me down. Not to sound melodramatic, but I had no idea it would affect me so. Fears have tormented me in my dreams. Frustration has closed in and reminded me of old self-condemning thoughts that rise like great dark shadows around me. My expectations of post surgery were a little far fetched and my doubts of timing have nagged at me. Fear of not getting back to normal and fears of a physical therapist who resembles Hitler have filled me with dread. i know you’re probably reading this and rolling your eyes at my rambling, but the struggle is real. The constant pain is real. My sweet husband is dealing with chemo and cancer and I’m over here whining about knee surgery! How pathetic! And yet, I still hold out for a fresh touch from the Lord, reminding me who I am in Him. Reminding me that He is with me. Reminding me He is in control. Reminding me to rest in Him. Reminding me to stop thinking so much and to just breathe in and breathe out. To sit. To sleep. To enjoy time with Lynn. To accept the help of friends who love me and want to help. So I’ll hold tight to His hand with everything that is in me. I’ll make it….I think.
Published by dana2day
"About you"? It is hard to declare any one thing or even a few things that would be of any interest to anyone! I love God. I know that I am His child, and I waver between being totally overwhelmed with His love, grace and mercy in my life, to being overwhelmed with how fast life is passing and how bad a job I have done at living this life He has given me. I often wonder if anyone else is out there walking around trying to act normal (which, if I may insert here, is really a relative term to everyone...what is normal?). About me? I am complicated! I love God with all my heart and want to serve Him with all my heart and want to do something important with all my heart and yet, this life I live everyday, doesn't seem to line up with that. More than anything - I want to be a published writer. I want to have the time to go to places that are surrounded by the sound of crashing waves and breezes and just listen. Or, to sit on a deck of some remote cabin and listen to the whisper of God's voice in the trees. I wonder.....I wonder if those moments will ever come? View all posts by dana2day