It’s been a little over two weeks since I have blogged. I think I’m out of the honeymoon phase of this quarantine life. I have spent a lot of time being quiet over the last two weeks. I am finding myself being very introspective. And. I’m tired of talking about the quarantine life. I just want normal to come back. I’ve been a little anxious that what I once knew as normal will never be normal again. Already words like quarantine, social distancing, physical distancing, pandemic, sheltering, Zoom and Google Duo have become a normal part of our conversations. I just read about something called “chunking”, yeah, look it up, it involves our brains and processing enormous amounts of information. It’s a real thing. All this while celebrities try to console us with “We’re all in this together” from their million dollar homes and high-rise apartments, like they can even relate to middle income America! We can’t go out, we can’t go to the beach (legally) and we can’t go to church. So I guess I went dark after April 7th, my last post. My heart wasn’t up for writing more encouragement. My house arrest with my big guy, the love of my life, had ceased to feel like “fun”. I mean, it’s not horrible, but 24/7 with a 6’4″ guy who loves to push my buttons (sometimes) has made me just get in the car a few times and drive around. Not his fault, but mine, for allowing myself to let all of this press in and mess with me.
Then, it happened. God stepped in….and told me to stop my pouting. He brought me to a familiar verse….one that most of us know. “Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10. I know you are smiling and nodding your head at the obvious meaning of these eight words. But wait. When I sat with my Bible in hand, staring at those words, I actually asked God “What the heck, God, I know this verse, I get it, you’ve orchestrated events that have forced us all to stop with the busy lives and slow down.” But, in His patient and gentle way He deals with this hard headed child of His, He patted me on the head and spoke gently to my heart.
He showed me that He led me to this verse, not to tell me to stop going, going, going and not to show me that He was depriving me of “fellowshipping” with my peeps. No, it isn’t about physical movement at all. He wanted me to sit, and still my mind. To stop thinking of something else to do around my home while quarantined. To stop watching movies. To stop texting my friends that I was over all this. To stop mullygrubbing (yes, that is a real word). To allow my mind to slow down and focus on Him. Be still. And know. That I am God. Yes, I knew this. But I needed to breathe deeply, to experience rest, to listen to His voice, to read His Word, to worship Him. And I am. I have been quiet for eighteen days. Yes, I have slowly worked on and finished a couple of projects. I have slept until He got me up. I have sat quietly on the couch and listened to worship music. I have sat on the porch and just enjoyed the late afternoon breezes. I have stopped myself when I begin the onslaught of self-condemning thoughts that often run around in my head. I’ve thought a lot about what I need to write. And I am waiting quietly for His answers, His guidance. He has a plan for me. Maybe I’ve been so busy, in my head, with trying to figure out the how, the why, and the when, that I have been unable to hear His voice.
So, I’m not saying this whole Coronavirus craziness is just for me. But I am saying that I am learning in the midst of forced isolation to listen to His voice. I haven’t figured it all out, yet. But I know that I will continue to “Be still” and listen until it is clear what He wants me to do.
I still want to go to the beach, I still want to hang out with friends, I still want to hug people…..but I will take this time to understand what it means to “Be still.”