Tag: family

Encouragement, family, inclusion

Collateral Damage

dana2day

I was watching a movie recently.  It was an action movie about saving a ship of people from death.  There were men in the engine room area working furiously to try and solve the issues that seemed insurmountable.  Everything was happening so fast and a decision had to be made.  A button was pushed and the area was sealed off to hopefully stop the ship from sinking.  Something about sealing off the area.  All the men drowned as the water rose inside that engine room. The words collateral damage came to mind.  Maybe they said it in the movie, I’m not sure.   I have been chewing on those words for days now.  So here I sit at my laptop at 11:52pm, needing desperately to write out all the thoughts that have been swimming in my head for the last two hours.  Please don’t ask me what the name of the movie was, because I honestly cannot remember and I did not finish watching it.  Movies where people die senselessly disturb me.  Anyway.  I have been thinking about the fact that collateral damage happens all around us.  Whether it is in relationships, marriages, decisions, and yes, even in church.  I don’t think as Christians we intentionally make decisions, or do things to cause people to be collateral damage or be hurt, or even to be made to feel unnecessary but it happens.  I think, sometimes, we are so intent on doing what we believe God has called us to do, that we do not consider the affects our decisions and actions have on other people.  How many times have I made a decision, or chosen one person over another, neglected a relationship, or maybe just been insensitive with my words?  Even now as I type, I feel sick in thinking that I have caused someone to be hurt, feel ignored or invisible, cast aside, or to be disillusioned with being a part of a church family.  Lord, please forgive me if and when I have done this.  The words collateral damage may seem harsh.   But this is a harsh world.  I think, sometimes, as our sinful human nature desires its’ own way, we don’t consider how others will be affected.   Not intentionally.  I really don’t think it’s always intentional.  But it happens.  I think back on decisions I have made, or ideas I have had, and I cringe at the times I did not consider the effect on those around me, just because I felt like God was telling me to do something.  Which brings me to a series I have been watching called The Chosen.  It is a series following the ministry of Jesus.  It has sent me back to God’s Word over and over again, reading the details of different stories.  It has been amazingly accurate and true to what is written.  But by putting a visual representation to stories I have known most of my life, it has become even more real.  It has caused me to really think about the people involved and Jesus’ interaction with them.   From calling the apostles, delivering Mary Magdalene of demons, healing the lame man to raising Jairus’ daughter from the dead.  I was especially moved by Jesus’ interaction with the woman with the issue of blood.  He called her daughter.  With the apostles, Jesus personally called each one of them.  He knew their strengths and weaknesses, their gifts and their individual personalities.  He knew them.  And, He had plans for them.  He listened to them.  Sometimes using their ideas and sometimes not.  But never dismissing them.  He used them to change the world.  As Jesus was headed to Jairus’ house, He was surrounded by a crowd of people.  He was on a mission to save a little girl.  But when the woman, who had suffered with the issue of blood for twelve years, pushed in to just touch the hem of his garment, He knew.  He knew she was there.  He could have not allowed her to be healed, because he was headed to raise a little girl to life.  He was trying to get there as quickly as possible in the midst of the crowd of people, but He stopped.  He called out, knowing she was there and He stopped what He was doing to connect with her, to go one step further than healing her, to show her love, to show her she was seen. To call her daughter.  To show her she was important.  Valued.  She could have just been collateral damage.  Ignored and pushed aside as He went to do something important. No one would have cared or noticed.  But He was doing what God sent Him to do.  He was doing ministry. 

We are in a battle in this world, because as Christians, we are not of this world.  It’s tough.  We want to do the right thing.  We want to do what He has called us to do.  We want to make a difference.  But sometimes we get so focused on the mission, we miss the people around us who God may use in our lives to help us complete that mission.  Instead, they become collateral damage.  Not intentionally.  I don’t think most people who call themselves Christians would intentionally hurt others.  So yes, sometimes we unintentionally have people in our lives, in our ministry, in our calling that become collateral damage.  We are so intent on moving in a direction, we don’t even notice the hurt or the damage we have caused. For myself, I am praying God will make me more aware of my choices, my decisions, my conversations, and my actions, so that I do not cause anyone to be collateral damage.  I am asking God to make me aware and sensitive to other people.  Help me to discern who to listen to and who to connect with. I pray he helps me know when to listen and when to stay the course. In this world, God has called us to Him, and He knows our strengths, our weaknesses, and our gifts. He wants to use all of His children to share the gospel, to love, to connect, to include, to care, to encourage those around us in order to change the world.  Let us work together.  Let us listen to each other.  Let us be kind and considerate to each other.  Let us realize that all of us are important in furthering the kingdom of God in whatever way He has called and equipped each of us.  No one should be or feel like collateral damage in God’s family.

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Empty Nesters?

dana2day

Empty Nesters.  People keep asking us how it’s going as new “empty nesters,” I say “great”, but inside my head I am thinking how much I don’t like the term “empty nesters.”  It implies that our home is empty….”containing nothing; not filled or occupied; lacking meaning or sincerity.”

It’s so…sad….and quiet.  For 30 years our home was filled with a lot of noise, a lot of laughter, a lot of activity, a lot of messiness, a lot of love.  There was school, sports, concerts, shopping, trips to the doctor or ER, broken bones, proms, college hunting, more shopping, camps, friends, wedding planning, the list goes on and on.  Then it was over. We’ve raised three strong-willed, beautiful, and active girls, who are now women, married to sweet young men, with families of their own. Thirty years, people.  That’s half our lives keeping our people alive.  Providing.  Nurturing.  Making things happen for them.  Thinking of them 24/7.  Never ceasing to look out for their needs or their safety.  Seeing and being with them most every day.  Then it was over.  It ceased. It stopped. And yes, it is empty.  You out there reading this understand. Suddenly, you find yourself in new territory.  You can’t be all up in their business anymore.  You can’t be included in every aspect of their lives…..that would just be weird.  As much as I want to still be included in every aspect, I know that is not how things go in life.  And I don’t want to appear pathetic, so I try to stand back and not annoy them to death!  But it’s hard.

Empty has such a negative connotation.  I realize people are simply referring to the fact that we are back down to just the two of us.  But it sounds so sad when you look at the meanings of the word empty, for example, “lacking meaning”….”containing nothing”.  Yes.  The house stays cleaner than it has in 30 years.  I have redone two of the extra bedrooms and now have a guest room and a play room for the grandchildren.  But they are also spotless.  I’ve started a few “hobby” projects, but haven’t finished.  That writing I always wanted to do hasn’t happened.  I find myself going to Target or some other store, walking around, seeing things that they might like, or the grands might love.  You just can’t break the habits of 30 years and go cold turkey “empty nester.”

So today, I decided to change that title that seems to be hanging around too much. 
Instead of calling ourselves “empty nesters”…I think I will call it “Season 2.”  Season 1 was filled with being newlyweds, becoming parents, raising babies, exhaustion, parenting, pinching every penny, praying for wisdom, investing and pouring into the daughters God gave us.  Season 2 is now just my husband and I, trying to figure out what we want to do, taking a deep breath and doing it without necessarily thinking about the girls first. (like that will actually happen!)  It won’t be easy, but I’m willing to give it a try. 

So, here’s to Season 2 for The Armstrongs!

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This Mama’s Heart

dana2day

Last night I sat in choir rehearsal, just as I have done for about a hundred years now. I sat in the back row of the altos, listening to people of God singing in four part harmony, happy that they all had conquered their Covid fear and chose to come out into public on a Wednesday night and sing. But beyond the joy of sitting among God’s people preparing for Sunday worship, I felt a warm joy swooshing around my heart because sitting next to me, making a joyful noise, were two of my daughters. Adult daughters. Married daughters with their own little families. Choosing to be there. Singing like angels. In another area of our church, two of my grands were in their own little classes learning scripture at their age level….preschool! As I sit here now, I feel tears stinging my eyes. Tears of joy. Because I know how hard I tried, how much I prayed, how many times I cried and even how endlessly I fretted over raising them in a way that they personally would experience the love and presence of Jesus and choose to live their lives in Him and for Him. I messed up…..a lot. I insisted they be at church every Sunday and Wednesday (unless you are Southern Baptist, you won’t understand this second day of worship!). How I made them try to see the importance of being a part of student ministry, service projects, student camp, student choir and Bible study. When they were little, I took advantage of every car ride to tell them the stories of Jonah, of David and the feeding of the five thousand. We often had family meetings that involved big decisions and prayer. As teenagers I constantly asked questions and listened as they told me of good days, relationship issues and even painful experiences. I would ask them what they think Jesus would have them do or say….or I would tell them what God had to say about things. Sometimes I would stop the car and pray…..and sometimes I even prayed with my eyes wide open while I drove. I am sure they can still hear me saying “Make wise choices” as they flew out the door. I encouraged them to journal their thoughts, their struggles and their questions to God. I shared scripture with them. We talked about hard subjects and hard decisions. Worship music was the genre of music that played in our car and our home. I am sure they thought we were the meanest parents ever because of the boundaries we set for them, and the things we said no to. I know I drove them crazy telling them to honor their commitments, to use their gifts for Him, to do the right thing even when it was hard. I prayed with them, for them and over them, and still do. I taught them the importance of church, gathering together as believers to worship and study God’s Word. I realize that trying so hard is never a guarantee that they will choose to live for Jesus. My three girls are strong, beautiful, loud, funny, loving, opinionated, young women. Yes, they are still young in their faith journey, they are beginning families of their own and I see them making their faith the center of their families. Not just their faith, but teaching their little ones (and little ones to come) that Jesus loves them and died for them and cares for them like no other. So sitting next to them in choir rehearsal last night as they chatted and sang made this Mama’s heart swell and melt all at the same time. I didn’t do everything right, I messed up so much, but somewhere along the way God’s grace and mercy covered my mistakes and they experienced His presence on their own and fell in love with the Savior. Now I am crying as I sit here, because that is all I ever wanted for them, for them to know Him, choose Him and live for Him.

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A Special Visit

dana2day

My Mom came to visit me last night. I know you might be thinking “Awww, that’s sweet.” But you have to understand this, she died 18 years ago. She has only appeared in my dreams three times since she died.

It’s not like a scene from my childhood, or a specific memory of her. Not at all. I will be dreaming about something random and I will turn and she’s there, smiling, just as I remember her. No words. She always steps slowly forward and pulls me into a hug. I close my eyes and I feel the softness of her skin, the comfort of her arms around me, I breathe in deep, and even though I know I haven’t been able to smell anything for years, I breathe in her familiar perfume. My arms wrap tight around her waist as I bury my face in her neck and I am crying. That deep, painful kind of cry deep in your chest that makes it hard to breathe. I feel her kiss my hair as she rubs my back and smooths back my hair. I finally stop crying, but my chest aches and I know the tears will come again. She smiles at me and touches my face. No words. Just love. And then….I’m awake. My cheeks are wet from my tears. It had been so long since she came to visit me in my dreams. I needed one of her hugs. I needed to see her face, and there she was. So real. I hope she comes again soon. I miss her so much and want to sit next to her and be the daughter again and talk and laugh while she files my nails.

I am certain God sends these visits to me just when I need them most. He knows so well what we need and when we need it. I imagine (and this is just my imagination, because there is no theological or biblical support for this) that Jesus saw my heart, He knew what I needed before I did. He looked over at Mom and said, go on down there for just a moment, no words, just hug her and comfort her. Isn’t that just a sweet thought.

answers, Encouragement, friends, God, Life, Love, People, promises, searching, seasons, Uncategorized

He Knows Me….

dana2day

Today I sat and read scripture I have read many times before, but God in His grace and mercy allowed His presence to surround me and remind me of the truth, He knows me.  I assumed He had led me to these verses for someone else, so I promptly shared the verses with a sweet friend.  My thoughts were sincere, she needed to know that God created her uniquely and that He took time to make her who she is, and He is with her.  He is there when she looks and lives out her life exactly as He planned and He is there when she stumbles and finds herself face down in the pit that tripped her up.  I wanted her to be reminded of that because she is His child, He knows her thoughts, as scary as that might be, and He loves her.  He is “acquainted” with her ways.  There is nowhere she can go from His Spirit.  Such beautiful and comforting words.

Then as I pondered, who am I kidding, I chewed hard on all these words all morning.  While I know they were for her, I believe they were also for me.  A sweet reminder in this season of change, in this time of asking what He wants me to do next, in my searching for the direction I am to go.   I kept going back to one of the verses that kept ringing truth in my heart, “You ‘hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.”  A memory floats around in my mind of one of my girls when they were small.  I see my husband and I walking with a three year old full of energy.  Curious about everything around her, unaware of the possible dangers or obstacles that may be in her path.  We stand on each side of her, watching where we are walking, scanning the area around us, clasping her tiny hands as she struggles to break free and run ahead.  We see an unfriendly dog and my husband instantly pushes her and myself behind him.  I pick her up and stand protected behind him, his arm and hand extended back to protect.  I am reminded that God is watching me, that He is looking ahead, He is scanning the area for any threats there may be, hemming me in when needed, laying His capable hand on me to protect and, yes, comfort from any fears that may arise.

We often think we can get so far from God that there is no way back.   We think, somehow we are capable of going to a place He cannot go to bring us back.  He pursues us, always.  You cannot hide from God.  He knows you.  He’s watching and knows the path you have been on and He is waiting for you to realize He is there, waiting for you to acknowledge Him and call out to Him.  To know that He knows and that He cares.  He won’t push in.  He waits for you to allow Him back into your life.

As you read these verses, take in the comfort and rest in the promise that He is watching and He knows you.  He has plans for you.  He is making a way for you.  He is protecting.  There is nowhere you can go from His Spirit!  Turn toward Him now and be wrapped in His embrace and let Him love on you.

Psalm 139:1-12

O Lord, you have search me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.  You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?  Or where shall I flee from your presence?  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!  If I make my bed in Sheol (hell), you are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you.

friends, God, Laughter, Life, Love, People, Uncategorized

It Matters. (Found this in some old files of things I had written a few years ago)

dana2day

I stayed home from work today.  I felt somewhat achy, was it headache?  Was it a tummy ache? I wasn’t quite sure, but I stayed home.  The thought of sitting at my desk pushing papers to and fro, and answering the endless phone calls was all too much to face.  I gave into the aches and pains that usually disappear within moments of my fifty-three year old feet hitting the floor.

After the hustle and bustle of one daughter off to college and work for the day, another daughter starting her second week of her sophomore year and my sweet hubby heading off to work, the house was at last quiet.  I sat on the couch still in my nightgown and looked around my “lived in” house.  “Lived in” is my daughters favorite line to use when I am on a rampage about the house being messy.  “Mom, it doesn’t matter, it just looks lived in?”, they will say.  They don’t understand the inner pressure I struggle with to make my home look like a Better Homes & Garden magazine, or worse, Pinterest!  “It matters to me” I will tell them and then I set off on a mission to clean every nook and cranny.

I sat there on that couch for an hour, in the quiet, just thinking.  I thought about my life and the road I have been travelling for the last fifty-three years.  It isn’t playing out exactly as I had planned.  That sounds like I am unhappy, but I am not, though I am finding myself at a crossroads.  Many parts of my perfect plan have come to fruition.  I am happily married to a wonderful man who loves me more than I ever imagined being loved.  He makes me laugh, he understands me to the best of his ability as a man to understand a woman, and he supports me.  I have three amazing daughters.  The oldest is newly married, the middle daughter is in college and the youngest is in high school.  They are strong in their faith and they are living it out.  Nothing could make me more proud. I attend a wonderful church with many longtime friends.  I have been on mission trips and I have taught Sunday School  for high school girls long enough that I am now teaching the teenagers of the students I taught years ago.  Frightening!

We have experienced hardships just like everyone else.  God has blessed us time and time again.  He has met our needs even when we probably didn’t deserve to have those needs met.  We have learned so much as a married couple and as a family about God’s grace and mercy.  All this matters.

Five years ago I went to work full time after working five years part time.  Our daughters were getting older and more expensive.  My husband had experienced a lay-off from a job he had been at for nearly ten years and had started over at a new company.  Financially it seemed the right thing to do.  Up to that point I had only worked twenty hours a week to help out our finances.  The full time employment came at a time we were really struggling.    Now five years later I am still working full time, mostly because we have become accustomed to the extra money.

This full time employment had never been part of the plan.  I was supposed to have finished my first book, become published and obtained a lucrative book deal for additional sequels.  The plan also consisted of me becoming a women’s speaker and ministering to women through conferences and retreats.  This kind of work mattered.

I got up from my place of contemplation on the couch and decided to do something that matters.  I got to work cleaning up the house.  I made beds, I washed some clothes, I organized a cabinet and I even straightened up the girl’s bathroom.  I had forgotten what it was like to be home in the middle of the day.  The house was peaceful and I was getting so much done.  The last time I had been home during the day on a regular basis was when my youngest was four years old.

At 3:00pm my fifteen year old came in from school.  We sat and talked for an hour about school, friends, homework and anything else that came to her mind.  Things got quiet for a moment and she suddenly said, “I like you being home when I get home from school.”  Then she was off to her room to take a short nap.

I sat there a while longer thinking about that moment.  It won’t be long till she is graduating and then off to college.  This is what matters.  It matters that I am there for her when she comes home.  It doesn’t matter if we have lots of extra money to spend.  Being there for her is what matters.  Preparing my home is what matters.  Serving others is what matters.  Seeking God above all else is what matters.  This is not what the world preaches through every social and public media.  It is subtle.  It is constant.  But it ways in heavy on what really matters.  We become confused about what is important.  We strive to have it all and do it all.  We push our children to be involved in everything and to maintain great grades while forgetting that they sometimes just need to be kids.  We feel like failures when we haven’t achieved some kind of recognized symbol of an extraordinary woman who is perfect at parenting, leading and achieving, all while providing healthy meals, a spotless, well designed home and meaningful moments all chronicled on social media for all to admire.

I cannot compete with the ideal that floats around in my head of how I should be doing everything.  It’s too exhausting.  I will never live up to my expectations.  The realty of life is that my house is not always clean, I do not have a particular set of skills that allows me to have every room decorated and looking magazine worthy.  I am not a great cook!  There I said it.  I have go to meals that are no longer considered healthy or “Keto friendly” or any other kind of healthy friendly.  I don’t have a deep desire to be a chef.  I probably won’t be the granny cooking up amazing treats and creating lasting memories.  I will probably never be a published writer.  As of this writing, I have yet to have the children’s book I wrote achieve even one request for further chapters.

Loving, talking, laughing, hugging are things that matter.  Nurturing is what matters.  Encouraging faith in a God who loves unconditionally and who sacrificed His Son just so we could spend eternity with Him matters.  Cheering each other on matters.  Calling a friend matters.  Writing a note matters.  Listening matters.  Spending time with our sweet Savior matters.  Not measuring ourselves against the world’s standards matters.

Our family is FAR from perfect.  We are loud.  We laugh inappropriately sometimes.  We may be a little judgmental at times.  No one is brilliant.  No one is incredibly talented.  Not one of us will be famous.  We are not rich.  But what matters is we love each other.  We talk about everything.  Our girl’s poor fellas probably find the constant conversation overwhelming sometimes, but we all know what everyone else thinks about everything!  We share meals, we share vacations, we share last minute road trips.  We support their activities, we beam with pride at their accolades.  We go to church together.   I love how my youngest daughter once told us, “Not all families are like ours!  We are freakishly close.”  If freaky means we love each other and we are in constant communication with each other, that  we talk a lot, we laugh, we cry, we fight.  We hug and make-up.  Then yes we are freakishly close.

There is one thing that matters.  Love.

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Old Might Be Around the Corner

dana2day

I’ve had some quite sobering moments this week. The realization that if I live as long as my grandmothers did, and if there is nothing unexpected in the near future health wise, I may only have 20-30 yrs left. Quite sobering when I know how quickly the last 30 flew by. The English ancestry in me leans toward the whole stiff upper lip attitude, while my Irish blood wants to put up a good fight, and with those two ancestory bloods coursing through me I stick out my chin and choose to press on. Mostly I just want to fall into the Father’s arms and beg for a do-over, or declare I’ll do better. I wish I had done more with this life He gave me….why do we realize this when we are older and the clock is tick tick ticking away? This week has been an emotional one in my head. I sat in my car and cried a few days ago. I know I’ve said this before but this year has been more difficult than I realized emotionally. So many layers to the life experiences that occurred in the last 14 months as I now understand the concept of PTSD to some degree. Delayed reaction is sometimes more painful than immediate reaction. It has time to swirl in the back of your mind, churning and building like some low category hurricane in the gulf until suddenly it gains unexpected strength and barrels into the coastline surprising everyone in it’s path. There were warning signs that were ignored or waved off as minimally important, but still the storm churns and builds. Then suddenly you’re in the middle of it struggling to contain the possible surge that threatens to burst forth. Out of nowhere there is a hand reaching towards you and you desperately grasp it, finally willing to listen to the wisdom that will follow. The answer to the storm was always there. Trust Him.

 

“Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding”.

 

I’m just going to let that sit there for a moment.

 

That verse has new meaning for me. Trust Him. Don’t try to figure out how you could have done it different or better or not at all. Don’t lean into my own understanding of what time is and how much or little I have left. But face forward. Remember the truth: I know that I am His child and He cares for me. He doesn’t see me with critical, judging human eyes, He sees the heart of me and He sees the plan He has for my life. His unconditional steadfast love wraps around me like a warm blanket calming the storm swirling inside and I rest peacefully. I will choose to walk closer with Him. I will choose to take joy in every day I have left with confident expectation of what He has planned for this mess of a human He created and loved enough to send His Son to die for in order that my eternity would be spent with Him. Yes…..I trust Him.

answers, escape, friends, God, Laughter, Life, Love, People, promises, Uncategorized

V Day

dana2day

Tomorrow I wake up to the 30th Valentine’s Day with the man God gave me. But this year it is different. This year I will be mushy. I will kiss him every chance I get. I will tell him I love him every hour of the day. I will give him his favorite peanut M & M’s and maybe go have a spur of the moment lunch somewhere. Things could be so different. This past year made the fragility of life so real to me. It gave me a reality check that we are getting older and we need to cherish every day, even the ones when he is driving me crazy and pushing my buttons. Because the truth is I love this man. I know the lengths God went to to orchestrate the events and people to have our paths cross. Even the back story to us meeting is an amazing logistical undertaking. His plan for us to meet was two years in the making! We knew from the beginning that what we had was special and we wasted no time in starting our life together. I love this man because he sees me. Not the fat girl I see in the mirror every morning. Not the failure I think I am. He thinks I am beautiful and smart, and he tells me often. He values my opinion on everything. He calls me friend. He is not perfect, but neither am I. He has held my hand through giving birth and through miscarriages. He has put up with my strong opinions. He has encouraged me in my writing. He has held me close and let me cry when my Mom died. He has told me many times that everything would be okay, when I was shaken over circumstances. He has worked hard to take care of me and his baby girls. He has taken care of me when I have been sick and when I have had surgery, and been so sweet when pain meds made me whiny and weepy. He has made me laugh so many times when I wanted to be mad at him. He has held me close when I needed the security of his arms around me. He held me up and gave me strength to walk through difficult family situations and then the death of my Daddy. This man loves God and has learned to trust His hand this past year. He is the spiritual leader of our family. I love him and I am so proud of the man he has become in the last thirty years. I could not have survived without him walking by my side. My daughters are so blessed to have grown up with a Daddy who was at every event, said yes a thousand times, helped pick out prom dresses and even knows what pantaloons are and all the other parts of a Trail dress. He can brush hair into a ponytail and can cook up some amazing potato gravy and biscuits when his baby girls come asking. He has taken them on motorcycle rides and played with them in the surf at the beach. He has laughed as hard as they have on every ride at Disney. He has given them an amazing example of what a father is supposed to be like. They are strong, opinionated young women who can hold their own with any boy because of him. I love this man and tomorrow I will kiss him and tell him that I am blessed because God gave him to me.

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Sweet Sam Moment

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This morning I had a sweet moment. I snuggled with my grandson as I rubbed his little back and hummed the same tune I had sung to his mama as a baby. My grandson. Those two words still fall awkwardly from my lips. When I say them, I still feel as if I’m practicing words that are not yet real to me. He’s been here for over ten months and I’ve kept him three days a week since August and still I’m surprised that I am a grandmother. I often think of my Mamaw Bessie when I am holding him close. She had such a kind and gentle spirit. I remember the softness of her skin and the safeness I felt when she hugged me or I just sat next to her resting my face against her shoulder. As I held him and took in the sweetness of his eyelashes resting on his cheek, I continued to softly rub his back and pat his bottom. Without opening his eyes he slid his free arm up my arm and rubbed it slowly back and forth, then rested it there and slowly patted my arm. What a treasured moment of love. He is my grandson, my first precious grand baby and I love him so much.

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Radiating

dana2day

So we’ve reached another hurdle to jump in this cancer journey. Radiation. It started with a doctor appointment on December 13th. We heard many new medical terms and explanations of radiation procedures. We were again in information overload, but, we left confident that this would be the final kick in the butt of this cancer that has been an uninvited visitor in our lives for the past nine months. It took the programmers, physicist, doctor and who knows who else a month to configure and calculate the big radiation machine (I’m assuming it is a big machine at this point but have not seen it). All this for 22 prescribed visits of 15 minutes of a laser type of radiation to be precisely shot into my big guys body, carefully dodging his kidney, aorta, pancreas and spine while basically frying the shrunken mass. Literally from entering the room to walking out of the building only takes 15 minutes! I am praying they clearly have that mass in their sight before they pull the trigger. I am sitting in the car right now waiting, looking at Springhill Hospital and thinking about how much time we have spent at this facility over the past months and feeling thankful that God created people who have the knowledge necessary to treat people who have been shocked by the word “cancer”. God is so good. I am not oblivious to the countless sweet people who are still struggling for answers and successful treatment. I am thankful He has walked every step with us and blanketed us in peace and the security He is with us. I am thankful that Lynn’s treatment seems to be working. I will never take our time together for granted, and will continually thank Him for letting me grow old with my big guy.